There are two things every college student does: eat and feel things. As a seasoned professional of both activities, I feel that when these things are done in tandem, it’s essential that the temper of each one matches the other to create the best possible experience. This is why I’ve decided to offer a guide to match your mood with the kind of takeout you should get to satisfy it.
Through a very precise and exact scientific process (judging the vibes), I determined that the following takeout places best match the food with which they are paired. I only included the four moods you see below, because I deem them to be the only four moods that college students are ever in. Next time you’re in the mood for delivery, consult this article to assist you in picking your poison.
SAD: It’s Sunday night and you have just endured yet another Roger weekend. Last night you saw that cute guy from Stats making out with someone else at a party, even though you were sure he totally made eyes at you the other day. Someone spilled their bright red Hawaiian Punch mixie all over your brand new white shirt, the one that makes your body look so good, while you were trying to throw it back to Lil Wayne’s "6 Foot 7 Foot." Now you smell like raspberry lemonade Svedka. On the walk home, you saw a flattened roadkill squirrel. Its guts were visible. You have a solid four hours of homework to do before you can sleep.
The only thing that can fill your emotional void right now is Domino’s cheesy bread with marinara sauce. Or maybe you’ll get a pizza with some weird toppings that you don’t even really like. It doesn’t matter. You are going to eat your weight in carbs and regret it tomorrow, like any sensible twenty-something who is really just going through it.
BORED: All your classes ended five hours ago and you’ve been playing Mario Kart mobile in the dark of your dorm room since then. You’re squinting your eyes because the light of your phone has been the only thing you’ve looked at. You’ve been bouncing back and forth between Twitter and Snapchat so much you start to lose track of which is which.
You look like a deflated bouncy house, a lifeless blob swallowed by your bed with nowhere to go and no one to see. You start to ponder the true philosophical questions of life. Will I ever find love? Will people solve the global warming crisis before we all die? You sigh as you realize just how bored you truly are. Everything is gray.
What do you need? Mexican food! The spicy and foreign flavors of a pico de gallo-dipped chipotle chicken quesadilla will throw some color into your life. Imagine yourself salsa dancing around your room with glee as you delve into the culinary glory of Mexican culture.
HORNY: The weather outside is starting to cool down, but the fire inside you is forever burning. Jenny just doesn’t seem to understand this, as she just canceled your weekly hook-up for the second week in a row. She cited something about having homework, so she clearly doesn’t understand that you are a young adult with a fully functioning sex drive! You have needs! (You can read this part of the article like it’s not relatable if you want, but just know deep down that I know you’ve been here before).
As you open a new incognito window on your laptop, you realize how hungry you are. What would hit the spot is some double chocolate, soft-baked cookies with a small ice cream from Insomnia Cookies. Maybe even a Chocolate Xtreme Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Or both! Double fisting two desserts right now would totally hit the spot. After all, you were given two hands for a reason…
BROKE: While being broke is arguably not a mood, the constraints of broke-ness will most definitely put you in one. Last week, you went with your cool coffee junkie friends to this new hippy cafe and spent $15 on a piece of avocado toast. In your defense, it had prosciutto on top. Then the Nike outlet near your house was having a sale, and you were in desperate need of yet another pair of grey sweatpants. For the past few months, you and your roommate have gone crazy with takeout. You really ordered whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted it. Your bank account now has 94 cents in it.
That’s why you and your broke butt are going to march yourselves down to Commons. Oh, you thought you could get delivery again? NOPE. You’re going to eat whatever they're serving, like the college student you are.